Great Expectations?
It's been one week now since my last chemo treatment, and I find myself weary. Overall, I can't really complain about the way I've felt this week. After a day (Sunday) of weathering the Neulasta side effects, I started feeling a little better each day. We did have our cookout on Monday, with 30 guests, and it was a fun afternoon for all of us. I went to bed that night exhausted, but with a smile on my face because I was so happy that it went so well. I was able to eat one of Don's famous burgers, and even a hot dog later on in the evening. (And believe me, hot dogs are not something that I chance if my stomach is feeling "iffy" -- a throwback to childhood days when the traveling carnival was in town. I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say that I am VERY careful what I eat on the days I feel nauseous, because I don't like vomiting chunks of food. Okay, okay, I'll stop now.)
I don't know if I mentioned this in my blog or not, but I have been downright paranoid that this cycle of chemo is not working because I have not been nearly as sick as I was when I took the Gem/Tax treatments. I mentioned this to the doctor several times last Friday, asking him if I'm not miserable, does that mean it's not working? He finally looked at Don and said, "Mr. Leming, here's what I want you to do. Whenever you see that she is feeling really well, reach over and kick her once in a while so that she can feel like she's suffering."
Hilarious? Yes, but it begs the question: have I learned to expect / accept suffering and misery? Has it become acceptable to me? Do I rail against it as hard as I could, or do I just scoot over and let it cozy up beside me? I don't want to think that I have "dumbed-down" my expectations to the point that misery is okay with me. And this begs another question: do I work as hard as I could at improving my health, especially my mobility? As you know, I stopped my "cane walking" after I was diagnosed with cancer in the OTHER hip and told that if it broke there would be no repairing it. The thought of suffering another fracture terrifies me. But have I let fear overtake me to the point that I am not as mobile as I COULD be? The pool opened a week ago, and even though I'm not supposed to frequent public pools until I'm past my nadir (low point for blood counts) AND the temperature hasn't been hot enough to truly heat the water, I'm afraid that the real reason I haven't gone yet is because of fear. What if I get in and can't get out? (Hey, it's happened!) What if I get in and it hurts? Or it's cold?
AAARGH!!!! Cancer has made me a giant chicken. Do I go to such great lengths to avoid suffering that I avoid living, too? I hope not! I have to be willing to get out of my comfort zone, or else my universe is shrunken to this house, this room, these walls. Do I want summer to pass without my beloved pool, where my body isn't crippled and I swim like a child? Of course not. Yet I sit here, feeling grouchy and wishing I could do more physically. I get frustrated with the kid-and-husband-done house cleaning, and I long to be able to do it myself again. How I would love to clean up a storm, clearing out dust and scrubbing until the whole smells like Pine Sol and even the air feels crisp and clean! When I was working, we always cleaned on Saturday morning while Don worked a half day at the factory. I would get on my hands and knees and scrub the tubs with gusto. By the time he got home, the house was clean and the kids and I were relaxing.
I know: I miss strange things. But the fact is, sometimes I just miss EVERYTHING about being normal. I never realized the beauty of an ordinary (and often hectic) day, filled with work and errands and housekeeping and running the "mom taxi". Somebody stop me before I start wallowing in self pity! You know, whenever my kids worry about leaving me to pursue their own lives, I tell them "this is your season for living". Well, so far, it's still mine, too, and I need to concentrate on the things that I CAN do, and on expecting GOOD things to happen instead of more suffering. Sure, the suffering may come, but there's no need to set it a place at the dinner table.
Here's hoping that all of us can expect many great things this summer.
:-) Sharon
I don't know if I mentioned this in my blog or not, but I have been downright paranoid that this cycle of chemo is not working because I have not been nearly as sick as I was when I took the Gem/Tax treatments. I mentioned this to the doctor several times last Friday, asking him if I'm not miserable, does that mean it's not working? He finally looked at Don and said, "Mr. Leming, here's what I want you to do. Whenever you see that she is feeling really well, reach over and kick her once in a while so that she can feel like she's suffering."
Hilarious? Yes, but it begs the question: have I learned to expect / accept suffering and misery? Has it become acceptable to me? Do I rail against it as hard as I could, or do I just scoot over and let it cozy up beside me? I don't want to think that I have "dumbed-down" my expectations to the point that misery is okay with me. And this begs another question: do I work as hard as I could at improving my health, especially my mobility? As you know, I stopped my "cane walking" after I was diagnosed with cancer in the OTHER hip and told that if it broke there would be no repairing it. The thought of suffering another fracture terrifies me. But have I let fear overtake me to the point that I am not as mobile as I COULD be? The pool opened a week ago, and even though I'm not supposed to frequent public pools until I'm past my nadir (low point for blood counts) AND the temperature hasn't been hot enough to truly heat the water, I'm afraid that the real reason I haven't gone yet is because of fear. What if I get in and can't get out? (Hey, it's happened!) What if I get in and it hurts? Or it's cold?
AAARGH!!!! Cancer has made me a giant chicken. Do I go to such great lengths to avoid suffering that I avoid living, too? I hope not! I have to be willing to get out of my comfort zone, or else my universe is shrunken to this house, this room, these walls. Do I want summer to pass without my beloved pool, where my body isn't crippled and I swim like a child? Of course not. Yet I sit here, feeling grouchy and wishing I could do more physically. I get frustrated with the kid-and-husband-done house cleaning, and I long to be able to do it myself again. How I would love to clean up a storm, clearing out dust and scrubbing until the whole smells like Pine Sol and even the air feels crisp and clean! When I was working, we always cleaned on Saturday morning while Don worked a half day at the factory. I would get on my hands and knees and scrub the tubs with gusto. By the time he got home, the house was clean and the kids and I were relaxing.
I know: I miss strange things. But the fact is, sometimes I just miss EVERYTHING about being normal. I never realized the beauty of an ordinary (and often hectic) day, filled with work and errands and housekeeping and running the "mom taxi". Somebody stop me before I start wallowing in self pity! You know, whenever my kids worry about leaving me to pursue their own lives, I tell them "this is your season for living". Well, so far, it's still mine, too, and I need to concentrate on the things that I CAN do, and on expecting GOOD things to happen instead of more suffering. Sure, the suffering may come, but there's no need to set it a place at the dinner table.
Here's hoping that all of us can expect many great things this summer.
:-) Sharon
posted by Sharon | 12:41 AM
4 Comments:
Sharon,
Your blogs always make me appreciate the little things in my life.
Hope you get to enjoy floating on your back in the pool watching the clouds float by in the sky real soon.
sharon
i understand your words well as i am in a very similar predicament, medically and physically.
for what it's worth, here's my take on your latest blog entry.
have you come to accept/expect suffering too easily? could you do more physically? are you willing to live a more limited life than necessary? maybe. at times, maybe. however, even when one is strong and able-bodied, do they ALWAYS strive to accomplish and enjoy EVERY single thing they can? i don't believe so. and do we scrutinize or criticize them for it? no. i suggest that your putting limitations on certain activities, such as cane walking or being cautious before venturing into that pool this year show wisdom and discipline, not cowardice. that you treasure the abilities you DO still have and are willing to forego certain luxuries in order to preserve and enjoy what you KNOW you can.
don't lose sight of the fact that you do still do very many things when you feel well enough..things that you could have opted not to do. a few quick examples: going to the graduation ceremony, baking the strawberry shortcake, going to the hugfest, to the airport, waking the kids at 6:00 a.m. SINGING no less, writing this blog. all of these things took motivation, determination and positivity and are all life enriching.
as for the things you do not do, i trust you to know when the time is right to take something on and when it's not. also, considering our physical limitations, it's a pretty handy thing to be strong enough to accept our new parameters of a 'smaller' life...smaller physically that is. mentally and emotionally you live an astonishingly rich life i'd say. here's a little quote i learned a couple of decades ago. i don't know its origin, but it's always stayed with me and has helped me many a time, both when i was healthy and still to this day. maybe it could be of some value to you too.
"before enlightenment: chopping wood, carrying water.
after enlightenment: chopping wood, carrying water."
our happiness, fulfillment, enlightenment need not be, maybe even cannot be, dictated by our 'outside' activities or circumstances. rather, it s a force inside of each one of us that we can tap into. sure it'd be positively WONDERFUL to have both, it's just not necessary.
however, it's inescapable that we'll go through a vast array of thoughts and emotions in this new universe we're living in. and that's ok. we're weak at times, negative, sorrowful...there's no getting around it. but we're all imperfect and flawed and wonderful just the same.
just try to give yourself the same measure of patience, understanding and acceptance that you give to others. you deserve it.
lorraine
Hi Sharon:
Yes once again you've inspired us all who read your beautiful words. Again, there are no rules. You try the best you can and try to move on. Let go Let God. We all know it. It's the doing it part that's so difficult. Please don't stress yourself out about what you're not doing. It really is a waste of time and we all do it. Poster here said it so well.
Also, I know you're on the fast track of natural things in life with the treatments and all that dealing with cancer brings. We all grieve the loss of our health, large and small health problems. We all want to be young and perhaps beautiful again. Never forget things. Stay up all night and not feel it the next 3 days. You get the idea. But there comes a time when we must accept the process of loses as we get older. Our health, loved ones, vitality, beauty, patience... so many things to list.
Keep strong. Stay in faith. Be grateful for the good things for the day.
Love
angel
Sharon,
aahhh, the self fulfilling prophecy - what you think becomes reality. You question your acceptance of certain things and where it has gotten you. Girl, you astound me.
Has accepting the physical limitations decreased the mobility you COULD have?? Why question it.
How about you think of this instead: Have you let a terminal diagnosis keep you from living and fighting - HELL no. You have told yourself you would fight and look where THAT has gotten you = here with your family for many many years longer than the experts would have guessed. Your willingness to write your thoughts through this whole process has helped others by making us think of how we should seize the day.
Never doubt yourself Sharon, you are an amazing, strong woman. If you find areas of your life where you could or should do better, you will. That is just the person you are underneath.
I hope this note finds you feeling well and smiling. I'll keep praying.
Blessings to you and yours,
Jodi
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