The Great Wall of Dread
Well, here I sit again staring at it. I don't want to go tomorrow; I just don't want to do this again. I'm okay until about 24 hours before the appointment, then the anxiety begins. It's so very hard to submit myself to these treatments over and over, knowing how sick and exhausted and crappy I will feel when the effects kick in.
My appetite is completely gone today. I don't guess it's any great secret that food used to be one of my great passions. I turned to it (foolishly) for every emotion: fear, frustration, exhaustion -- even happiness! And my body paid a heavy price for this covert relationship. So I suppose there is some poetic justice in the fact that food is now a frequent repulsion to me. I always thought it would be wonderful if I could just lose my appetite, but it is actually a terrible feeling. I get so hungry, and yet nothing appeals to me. I choose something that seems appetizing, but when the plate is placed in front of me, I cannot eat more than a few bites. Finally, in desperation, I force myself to eat something, then hope and pray that it stays down ...
My bp was also up a little at the doctor's office today: 130/92. My bottom number has been running 78 - 80ish, so I guess this is another sign of the stress that I am feeling.
I know, I know: this is the last treatment -- and, believe me, that is the ONLY way I might be able to drag myself over there one more time. Autumn's play is tomorrow night, and Don and I will travel to North Carolina on Saturday with Daddy. And, yes, I AM going to both, even if I am sick and weak and miserable. I'm not going to let cancer rob me of these beautiful moments of my life.
I just want to get this behind me and get back to LIVING!
:-) Sharon
My appetite is completely gone today. I don't guess it's any great secret that food used to be one of my great passions. I turned to it (foolishly) for every emotion: fear, frustration, exhaustion -- even happiness! And my body paid a heavy price for this covert relationship. So I suppose there is some poetic justice in the fact that food is now a frequent repulsion to me. I always thought it would be wonderful if I could just lose my appetite, but it is actually a terrible feeling. I get so hungry, and yet nothing appeals to me. I choose something that seems appetizing, but when the plate is placed in front of me, I cannot eat more than a few bites. Finally, in desperation, I force myself to eat something, then hope and pray that it stays down ...
My bp was also up a little at the doctor's office today: 130/92. My bottom number has been running 78 - 80ish, so I guess this is another sign of the stress that I am feeling.
I know, I know: this is the last treatment -- and, believe me, that is the ONLY way I might be able to drag myself over there one more time. Autumn's play is tomorrow night, and Don and I will travel to North Carolina on Saturday with Daddy. And, yes, I AM going to both, even if I am sick and weak and miserable. I'm not going to let cancer rob me of these beautiful moments of my life.
I just want to get this behind me and get back to LIVING!
:-) Sharon
posted by Sharon | 9:28 PM
9 Comments:
just close your eyes and think of the outer banks. Smell the sea air and feel the warm sand. Watch the kids collect shells and wade through the water. See it clear as the day, it will bring you the strength you need as well as a smile to your heart.
love.....judy
Sharon,
I'm sorry that you have to go through the pain and fear of cancer but I'm glad that you have the courage to live life in spite of it. You are in my prayers everyday.
Hi Sharon:
You had said you don't write when you're feeling well so except for last 2 posts, there was some time in between. Yah! Forgive me if I'm wrong. Gosh you manage to get so much done with all you are going through and 9 children. That latter in and of itself is a feat of strength. God must have blessed you with the patience of a saint.
I know you don't feel lucky right now (today maybe) but that is a blessing as well as are your loving husband, children, extended family and friends.
We all have our trials and we all must live and learn from them all the while trusting in God. What else is there?
Keep the faith. The best advice I can give you now or anytime.
angel
it will be over before you know it. stay strong and keep smiling!:)
North Caronlina will be fun! and im sure Autumns play will be great! have a lovely day!
oh and its been great talking with you on Josiah's chatbox!:)
-ashley
Best of luck with the final round and here's hoping for you and the fam to have a lovely time on your vacation.
hey sharon, looie here(aka lauren)lol ( : i know that no matter how tough things get for you, you always pull through and make the best out of any situation that comes your way. my prayers are with you and your family and i hope you have a wonderful time on vacation. the outer banks are so lovely! say hi to joey for me!! ~lauren~ ( :
i hope the fallout from your last treatment didn't hit too hard.
it's a blessing that you had the play and your trip right after--the sweetness of the happy events to counterbalance the difficult ones.
rock on sharon!
So it's Monday already, and here's hoping the weekend was kind to you! Can't wait til your next wonderful update.
Gurlfriend...you are a soldier! I hope this finds you feeling much better and smiling that beautiful smile! When im down lately I find myself singing songs from the movie Grease lol. I fint it to raise my spirits a lil if not only to make me giggle at myself for being silly when no one else is looking lol. Much love, shellz
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