Meltdown at Table 12

Hello again!

One of my main difficulties these days is a complete lack of appetite. I have been supplementing my meager amount of food with Boost High Protein and some supplements, as well as Megace -- which is not only an appetite stimulant, but also has been known to suppress leiomyosarcoma growth in tumors that are progesterone positive. I was on Megace years ago when I was under the care of Dr. Cofer because my tumors tested mildly positive for progesterone sensitivity. So who knows? Maybe it will make me want a cheeseburger AND slow the tumor growth. Well, I can dream, can't I?

On Thursday, Don wanted to take me to lunch to try to coax my pitiful appetite, so I decided to try some grilled chicken and rice at O'Charley's. It's bland, delicious, and contains good quality protein. We were seated in the very back corner of the restaurant, which was fine with me because I like privacy. As we ate, we couldn't help but hear the conversations of a noisy table of about 8 people behind us. I was mildly annoyed as they talked about people they knew and places they remembered in town that are gone now, but I was happy to actually enjoy a little bit of chicken. After a while, their conversation took a turn and it became clear that one gentleman was giving a sales pitch to the others.

Sigh ... As I took another bite of chicken, I decided that I might as well "tune in" and hear what he was hawking. It was some sort of high anti-oxidant, "healthy" chocolate. You can imagine my horror when he began to describe how people had been cured of cancer after eating three squares a day, diabetics had been healed, and people who had been in wheelchairs for years stood up and walked.

I started to cry. I mean, who doesn't want to think that 8 1/2 years of horrible suffering could be cured if I only shelled out $150 a month for 3 chocolates a day? Suddenly I couldn't stand the thought of food. There was no more eating for me.

Okay, here's the part that I am not proud of: As Don wheeled me past the table, the man fervently continued his sales pitch, telling how his own Daddy had cancer, but when he died they found no trace of it in his body. (Huh? Did they roll him into the CT scanner on his death-bed? And if the cancer was cured, what killed him?) I said aloud, "I sure do wish that was true!"

The salesman turned to me: "Wish what was true?"

"I wish that chocolate cured cancer," I wailed, the tears streaming down my face. "I wish it made people walk who have spent years in a wheelchair!"

Don continued to wheel me briskly toward the door. (Poor Don!) The salesman followed us and stopped us in the lobby. In his hand he held a box of the chocolates and a business card. "Here," he said. "Take three of these a day and call me in three days to let me know how you feel."

And so I came home with a box of miracle chocolates and a husband who probably never wants to take me out in public again.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I KNOW that nutrition plays a part in healing, and hopefully in curing/managing cancer. And I do know that anti-oxidants play a role, too. But NOTHING makes me madder than someone touting a snake oil or "miracle cure" to desperate people like me who have suffered immensely. Here are some of the very simple things that people have told me would make my cancer disappear:

- Vitamin D and red wine
- Goji juice
- Hot green tea
- Chinese herbs
- High doses of B vitamins, especially B-17
- Intravenous vitamin C
- And now, miracle chocolates!

Again, I KNOW there are natural things that can be of help. And I do take supplements as recommended when I can. (You aren't supposed to take vitamins when you are on chemo, because it can counteract the effects.) But, listen, I have suffered a lot over the past 8 1/2 years, and I resent having my struggle minimalized by people who know nothing about it and make it sound like I am suffering by choice rather than by destiny.

My physical therapist, Kelly, thought the whole thing was hilarious. She said that only I could manage to leave O'Charley's with $150 of free chocolate. And yes, I am eating three a day. (Hope springs eternal, which is what makes things like that so dangerous and downright cruel.)

Speaking of Kelly, she is the best physical therapist in the world! Time after time, she coaxes me back onto my wobby legs to stand and walk again. Even though the feeling is still not great in my legs, I walked 24 steps with my walker while she was here on Friday -- all the way from my chair to the front door. She was amazed that I could walk so many steps when I have been basically non-ambulatory since July (when I was told to stop walking because of my hip). My neurosurgeon, orthopedic specialist, and an orthopedic specialist in L.A. all concur that weight-bearing will not make a fracture any more or less likely than it already is. And weight bearing will certainly help my strength and my bone density.

I am slowly coming back to life, and gradually finding joy in everyday things again. I've been clipping coupons, getting dressed (most days), sewing, and even getting out of the house once in a while. The cancer may get me one day, but it doesn't appear that it will be today. Tomorrow doesn't seem likely, either. My hope for the future -- my hope that there will be a future -- is slowly seeping back into me. I find myself looking forward to days that haven't yet materialized, to adventures that haven't been experienced, and to dreams that could still come true.

:-) Sharon