Sneaking a Peek at the World Outside Myself Again
Well, hello, everyone! I am still heavily sedated and easily confused, but I am definitely feeling a little better than the last time I posted. My lungs are clearer -- and easier TO clear, without so much of the drowning-in-phlegm feeling that makes pneumonia so miserable. The breathing treatments are still my close friend, and I find comfort in the oxygen pump that rumbles like a helicopter at my feet.
Even if I was completely coherent, there is simply no way to size up in words the depth, breadth, and length of where I have been physically and emotionally over the past couple of weeks. The physical agony, combined with the swarms of well-meaning, yet somehow overly emotionally charged doctors and interns pronouncing my fate in swift decisions and pundits about my fate. Heavy, heavy stuff.
It became obvious that the surgery wasn't a good idea right now due to the lung complications, and we were doing okay with that -- but the informational onslaught of the rest was just overwhelming. Don and I were confused, terrified, and just simply thrown into a tailspin by all of it.
What does it mean for me, really? We still don't know. I do know, of course, that my lungs are healing because I am stronger and can breathe better. That's wonderful. I also know that I am paralyzed now until/unless there is intervention done to restore my neurological function. Do I cut my losses there, and learn to live with it? Or do we make it our immediate goal to get me well enough to try to salvage it again?
And, of course, it all comes back to the cancer itself. It IS still there. It CAN still grow or invade or further weaken me. What's it doing in there? It can never be trusted to just go dormant. It loves to kick when I am down.
Hard, heavy stuff. But I want all of you to know that I did not come home to lay down and die. I came home to live -- it's just been a little harder this time to sort out exactly what that means. So we take it, day by day, moment by moment for a while ... but I am here, and I am happy, and I love all of you very, very much!
:-) Sharon
Even if I was completely coherent, there is simply no way to size up in words the depth, breadth, and length of where I have been physically and emotionally over the past couple of weeks. The physical agony, combined with the swarms of well-meaning, yet somehow overly emotionally charged doctors and interns pronouncing my fate in swift decisions and pundits about my fate. Heavy, heavy stuff.
It became obvious that the surgery wasn't a good idea right now due to the lung complications, and we were doing okay with that -- but the informational onslaught of the rest was just overwhelming. Don and I were confused, terrified, and just simply thrown into a tailspin by all of it.
What does it mean for me, really? We still don't know. I do know, of course, that my lungs are healing because I am stronger and can breathe better. That's wonderful. I also know that I am paralyzed now until/unless there is intervention done to restore my neurological function. Do I cut my losses there, and learn to live with it? Or do we make it our immediate goal to get me well enough to try to salvage it again?
And, of course, it all comes back to the cancer itself. It IS still there. It CAN still grow or invade or further weaken me. What's it doing in there? It can never be trusted to just go dormant. It loves to kick when I am down.
Hard, heavy stuff. But I want all of you to know that I did not come home to lay down and die. I came home to live -- it's just been a little harder this time to sort out exactly what that means. So we take it, day by day, moment by moment for a while ... but I am here, and I am happy, and I love all of you very, very much!
:-) Sharon
posted by Sharon | 1:27 AM
19 Comments:
Hang in there sweetie! You are such a brave woman!
Hi Sharon, do you read all the comments, or are you just too tired? We all think you are an incredible spirit, and take comfort in your inner strength. G-d Bless, pam x
Hi, Pam (and others):
Yes, I do read the comments and enjoy them very much!
:-) Sharon
Sharon you have an incredible spirit. I am in awe of your bravery and resolve. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers for better health.
Now don't make my cry! I have to stay positive about you.
We love you too ... very, very much.
Your brave spirit inspires me.
Don't face reality, Sharon, create it.
k
This one's for you, Sharon....
That Thief, Tomorrow
Tomorrow is always fiction
Until it’s Today
But my imagination
Is a well-oiled machine
It never stops churning
Not even in sleep
And so goes my day
In this precise moment
I am wide awake
And keenly aware
Of what’s to come
And what must be done
The alarm’s already sounding
I’m donning battle gear
The Boy Scouts were right
The ambush is now
An army of anxieties
Scramble into my thoughts
Invading my presence
Like a swarm of locusts
They eat away my time
second by precious second
How is it that I’m haunted
By ghosts of what is yet to come
How dare they steal
Both present and future
As if both belonged to them
Such insufferable greed
So now I’m doubly angry
At these thieving demons
I’ll do whatever it takes
To quash them all
Everything has been studied
All has been prepared
My plans are neatly in place
Nothing will impede my progress
Take that, Tomorrow
I have squarely defeated you
Though I collapse in exhaustion
I can laugh at those wicked ghosts
And yet, the joke is on me
For when the new day comes
Galloping through like a mustang
Yesterday was all for naught
I’ve waged war on a fairy tale
And the spoils are fools’ gold
The Boy Scouts were wrong
No one gets to take that rudder
We just keep blowing the foghorn
Scared, but hoping for the best
I chance a gaze outside
There is sun on the mountains
A wren is feeding her baby
With seeds scattered on our patio
Nearby the dog snores contentedly
Beneath an old woolen blanket
The sky is not falling
It is endlessly blue
I capture this moment
My hands encircle it like a cocoon
My mind directs my fingers
They mold it into words
The paper will hold it for me
The ink will stand guard
Now, it’s mine.
It is always nice to see a new blog from you. I think about/pray for you every day! You are one amazing woman Sharon! I can not even begin to imagine how confusing and scary life is right now, but good for you to still enjoy all the little things! You are an inspiration to us all!
Hugs! Wish you better and better days!!!!
Rhonda
I can tell by your writing "voice" that your spirits are better, though it might just be the drugs. ha ha
I don't think anyone can rationalize why these things happen and I don't believe for one minute that anyone should suffer such as you have to learn any sort of lesson in life. Our bodies are just fragile even when our hearts and minds are strong.
I know you have faith in a higher power that gives you strength. Just keep tapping into that strength and know that we are all praying for you and your lovely family.
Big love,
Debra
PS: my Dad is in the hospital again, very sick but stable. Say a prayer...
(((SHARON)))) dropping by with hugs, prayers, love, positive thoughts and energy for you. I too think about you everyday and wonder how you are doing.
I am sorry that you can not have the surgery right now, but that is wonderful that your lungs are getting better. Keep getting stronger! Love, Deb(inOHio) xo
Be sure that from the distance I'm thinking of you........
Maria . Spain
We love you, too! Very, very much.
Prayers and bestest wishes.
Sharon, thanks for writing and keeping us informed. When you write, I know you're still fighting. God bless you. You're in my prayers.
Jennifer
I love it when you are well enough to write. You have so eloquently offered us insight and inspiration. Most days I swing by here to see what Sharon might been saying. Always something profound. My gratitude to you is immeasurable. My words could never be enough to tell you just how much your words have taught me.
Sharon -- That you chose to end your entry with 'I am happy' is a beautiful thing.....enlightened.
Dear sweet Sharon <3 I can understand the breathing issue I have bad asthma and have to carry a nebulizer with me wherever I go. I drink carrot juice which helps. I hope your lungs make a full recovery and that you can have the surgery! I want you to be able to walk again. I will say a prayer for you today. Bless you.
I have been away for a while...And have missed your updates and the elegant way words roll off your fingertips. I am happy that you are in better spirits and are feeling at least somewhat better although I know this post is all of a week old now. There is hapy happy news in my homefront. We brought home a beautiful baby boy last Monday night. My 2nd gorgeous nephew Jacob Ryan. I always marvel in the newness of a baby. Oh how I love them and so want one of my own.
I also have finally won my own battle of sorts with myself. After 17 years of on going fighting to conquer a little something called a TAAS MAth test, I have passed it. Not only did I pass it duchess, but I mastered all of the objectives. I was shocked and awed by my achievement lol. This means that I will finally have my actual high school diploma. My litle girl was held back twice because of failing the TAKS MAth and she was able to pass her test this spring. And now with her inspriation I have achieved it as well. Oh I love that ending. I just wanted to share that with you and all of your readers to remind us all to never give up on oursevles.When you feel you have nothing else to give, go one more time. I love the line I read here, dont face it...Create it. Sharon you are such a wonderful example of what faith, strength, and love can do and have inspired me so much youll never know. I feel inside myself I am a little more free with each of these small triumphs I am able to celebrate. I pray that you get stronger everyday and that you are able to regain the use of your legs soon. Much love to you! And congratulations to Eric on his graduation!
Dear, Sharon. You have been in my prayers. Every night I pray for the easing of the burden you carry. Your spirit is good (: I find good music healing May I add that the music of both your sons brought me many hours of joy, especially Josiah's "Theysay" . Hoping you can drink green tea and berries and yogurt. I helped my health this past year. Sincerely, Vaselisa from Florida.
Been sick this past month and missed your blog. Stay strong Sharon and know that an angel is watching over you. Much love
angel
Where are you? Please text me or blog an update.......Judy
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