Because I Could Not Stop for Death

Apparently, there are people out there who wonder what I do with all of my time. Hmmm ... nine kids, husband, house and yard, major disease. What to do? What to do?

Believe it or not, my "regular" life has not disappeared due to my illness. In fact, I am reeling from a devastating kid-related disappointment today. There are times when I think that it's downright unfair to have to deal with life's ordinary aggravations AND fight a major battle with cancer. But then again -- isn't that exactly what a cancer patient wants? To live a "normal" life, complete with disappointments and stopped-up toilets and financial conundrums?

Anyway, back to the original point: Even though all's quiet on the health front right now, my life has been extremely busy. My mother-in-law and I have been making Easter baskets, I'm now binding my latest quilt project (the butterfly quilt), and the kids are on spring break this week, so we are cleaning up and working in the yard and house, and we are going to go through their rooms to deep clean and switch their summer and winter clothing later this week. On top of this, I am making all of the arrangements for me to be gone for two days for the hospital consultation: lists of medications, copies of insurance cards, rides for working teens, emergency backup arrangements for everyone, "easy" food choices for Grandma, etc.

Even when I was bedridden for nearly five months last year, I manned Leming Central from my hospital bed in the family room. I coordinated schedules, helped with homework, filled out paperwork, paid bills on my laptop, and just generally managed the household from my sick bed.

Life does not stop, and lately it hasn't even slowed down. But I'm still here, and I want to be in the game instead of on the bench watching it played without me.

A Friday in Spring

Is there anything better in the whole world than a Friday afternoon in the springtime? The neighborhood is really coming back to life. The forsythia is blooming -- along with daffodils, tulips, and crocuses -- and the trees that are not already in bloom are starting to bud. My rosebushes in the front yard are covered in new leaves; I can't get close enough to them to see if they are getting buds yet.

For some reason, the nurses (home health and at the chemo center) cannot access my port to flush it. It's supposed to be flushed once a month when it is not being used for chemo. I made an appointment to see Dr. Crawford, who installed my port, on April 2nd. Apparently, he can inject some sort of dye to see where the blockage or problem is located.

It's not swollen or tender, so I don't think there's any infection there. It sure did hurt when they had to keep trying to access it, though. Yow!

Zach, our youngest child, came into the room the other night to tell me that when he flexes his muscle (which he does often, as do most scrawny 8 year-old boys), his skin turns a "funny color".

"Oh, really?" I asked, distracted by whatever I was doing.

"Yeah," he replied, "I think I might have cancer."

I was totally unprepared for that answer! I explained to him that mottled skin is not a sign of cancer, and that he does not need to by worrying about getting it. Of course, you can't make promises, because anyone can get it. It just really surprised me that he was thinking that way.

It just reiterates what I've known all along: cancer affects the whole family, not just the patient. I have to remember to tread gently around the children. They are dealing with a situation (sick parent) that no child should have to face, and it's not always easy for them.

Thankfully, spring brings new hope for the world, and hopefully for all of us, too.

New Blog!

As promised, I have updated my blog to allow comments from readers.

I am having trouble "letting go" of all of my previous blogs, since they represent the heart of my battle for the past 14 months, so I will leave them on the main blog page (found here) for right now, with a link to this page for newer posts.

Two weeks from today, we will see Dr. Holt at Vanderbilt. In the meantime, I am filling my days with "busy work" to keep me from obsessing about the trip/surgery/recovery, etc. I've been updating my web site, digitizing my poetry, and working on my butterfly quilt.

I have a reasonable amount of energy, and my appetite is fairly strong right now. I'm still fighting the pain on my left side. Since the weather has warmed up, I have cast off the head covering to let my now-not-quite-so-bald head show freely.

That's it for now!